article of incorporation for pennsylvania A True Southerner Knows... ** Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption. ** Nobody but a true Southerner knows how many fish make up a mess. ** A true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of cattywumpus. ** A true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is ** as in "Going to town, be back directly." ** Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table. ** All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. ** True Southerners know instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold tater salad. (If the trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add some hot biscuits and nanner puddin.') ** True Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "pert' near" and "a right far piece." ** True Southerners both know and understand the differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' White trash. ** No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn. ** True Southerners know that "fixin" can be used as a noun, verb and adverb.

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Donkey Tricks Driving down a rural road in Kansas with his pet donkey in the back of his pickup truck, a young man got a flat tire. He got out of his truck, coaxed the donkey out of the bed of the pickup and had it stick its head under the bumper to lift the truck. A passing farmer saw the event and stopped. "Hey! That's a pretty clever trick! How'd you get your donkey to do that?" The young man replied, "It's all in the breeding actually. This is a jack ass."

Driving With The Little Woman Driving home with his wife one day, a man was stopped by the police. The cop said, "Sir, you were going 60 mph in a 50 mph zone." "No I wasn't," the man said. His wife leans over and says, "Yes you were, honey." "Why don't you shut the hell up?" he told her. The cop continues, "You also didn't have your seatbelt on, sir." "Yes I did," the man said. "No, honey, no you didn't," his wife chimed in. "Didn't I just tell you to shut up?" the man shouted. The cop finally leans into the window and says, "Ma'am, is this your husband?" "He sure is," she replied. "Is he always this mean and rude with you?" the cop asked. The woman smiled at him and said, "No, officer, only when he's drunk."

Early Shopping It was Christmas and the judge asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the defendant.

Fall Hunters Last November a couple of hunters were out in the woods when one of them fell to the ground clutching his chest. After struggling for a few seconds, he seemed to stop breathing. The other guy quickly pulls out his cellphone and dials 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What should I do?" In a soothing voice, the operator says, "Try to remain calm, sir. I can help you. First, we need to make sure he's dead." Immediately the operator heard a shot. The frantic hunter comes back on the line and says, "Okay, now what?"

Fishing Trip In bed with her lover after several hours of passionate lovemaking, Brenda's phone rang. She told her lover, who was also her husband's best friend, to be very quiet. As she answered the phone, he listened quietly to her cheerful side of the conversation. "Hello? Oh, hi. Oh, really? Well, that sounds wonderful! I'm so happy for you! Great! Okay, have a good time. Bye!" She hung up the phone and her lover asked, "Who was that?" She replied, "That was just my husband, telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Follow Instructions Tech Support: "Sir, right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. What you have done up until this point?" Customer: "You told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

Fourth Aussie Joke Why do Greek men wear gold neck chains? So they know where to stop shaving.

Fuzzy Math A woman holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks if she can use the store's baby scale. "Sorry, ma'am," says the storekeeper. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the mother's weight." "Oh, that won't work," says the woman. "Why not?" asks the man. "Well," she says, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt."

God Bless America What is the one thing that unites all Americans, regardless of gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background? Deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

God Is Watching You Breaking into a home late one night, a burglar was startled when he entered the living room and a voice said, "God is watching you." Looking around the room, he spotted a parrot in a cage in the corner of the room. "What's your name?" he whispered to the parrot. "Moses," the bird squawked back. The burglar started laughing. "What kind of idiot names their parrot 'Moses'?" The bird replied, "The kind of idiot who named his Rottweiler 'God.'"

Graveyard Shift Walking home after a late party one dark night, two young men decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery. Drawing close to the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a sharp tapping noise coming from the shadows. As they approaching, trembling, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Geez! You scared us half to death, mister!" the one guy said. "What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Oh, it's those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Guard Dog A young couple lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog. Visiting the pet store, the young wife asked for a good guard dog. "Sorry, we're all sold out," the clerk replied. "All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he does know karate!" The woman didn't believe the clerk, so he told the dog to karate a chair. The dog broke the chair into pieces. Then he told the dog to karate a table, and the dog quickly broke the table in half. So the woman bought the dog and took it home. Her husband was disappointed and skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog. The wife told him about the dog's excellent karate skills. "Karate, my butt!" the husband yelled. To this very day, he is still in the hospital.

Halloween Prank Sandy's husband was regularly coming home drunk, so she hatched a plan to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night she dressed up as a devil and hid behind a tree to catch him on his way home. When her husband came staggering down the sidewalk, she jumped out in her red horns and forked tail and pointed her pitchfork at him. "Who are you?" her husband asked. "I'm the Devil," she responded. "Well, come on home with me then!" he said. "I married your sister!"

Happy New Year! A woman with 14 children,ages one through fourteen, decided to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion. "When did he desert you,"the judge asked. "Thirteen years ago,"she replied. "If he left 13 years ago, where did all the children come from?" "Well,"said the woman,"he kept coming back to say he was sorry."

High I.Q. Joke A bartender asks Descartes, "Another round?" Descartes says "I think... not" and then he disappears.

In The Sauna Jeff, Tim, and Wally were sitting naked in a sauna one day, bragging about their wealth and success. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. Tim pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The other two men looked astonished. "I have a microchip under the skin on my arm and that's my pager." Tim explained. A few minutes later, a ringing noise interrupted their conversation. Wally lifted his wrist to his ear and started talking. When he was done, he turned to the others and bragged, "The microchip in my arm connects me to my mobile phone." Jeff, feeling left out, stepped out of the sauna. He returned a few minutes later with a piece of toilet paper sticking out from between his buttocks. The other two stare at him. "Oh," he explains, "I'm just getting a fax."

Interview Manager: "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary." Applicant: "Well, the work is much harder when you don't know what you're doing!"

It's A Lie! A man is late getting home after having a fling with his secretary. When the man gets home he notices that his clothes are wrinkled and he has lipstick all over his face. At that precise moment, his wife surprises him. "Where have you been?" , she asks. The man breaks down and says, "I can't lie to you. I had an affair with my secretary in a motel room, and that's where I've been all day." The woman says, "You can't fool me! You've been out playing golf again!"